Am I for real?

Last evening, when we were roaming on our usual "Kahin chalte hain na yaar!" mood, this time the place being Treasure Island. A thought just ran across my mind which, for sure, has caught me in a stream of a long thinking session, which started the moment the thought hit me and I don't know when its gonna end: "Am I for real? ".

Right from the day I started losing, though I always play to win, I consolidated myself giving a fake reason for not winning, sometimes the reason being a bad day at the performance time, sometimes it being the fault of Mr. 'X', sometimes the losing being shadowed by some other genuine reason. And take my word, these reasons were so fabulous that it never made me guilty of what I lost. Whatsoever I lost, I was the only person correct in the whole scenario and all other being wrong, being responsible for what I lost. But yesterday it just hit my nerves. "Whom am I faking - the People or Me?"

I faked myself with a reason when I did not win the House captain's election. I faked myself with a reason when I did not get a good rank in competetive exam I faked myself whenever I gave an Oscar winning performance to my teachers when I did not do the assignments, yet getting an 'A' grade or so. I faked myself with a reason for not getting selected in the clloege team. I faked myself with a reason many a times.

Before the thought hit me, I did not wanted any reason to be happy, I was happy when I did not win the House captain's election saying " It's so very Jhanjhat wala kaam! It's good that I did not win or else I would have missed out on the fun part of my school life". I was happy when I did not get a good rank in competetive exams saying "Achcha hai! Ghar par hi rehkar padh lunga, isse achcha aur kya ho sakta tha?". I was happy whenever I gave my teachers an Oscar winning performance saying "Maza aa gaya, Saala na padhna pada aur na hi mehnat karni padi to get an 'A' grade". I was happy when I did not get selected in my college team saying "Chalo bach gaye, nahi to saala Saturday aur Sunday ko bhi 25 Km. jana padta aur apni ghisni padti."

I was so very good in squeezing out happiness out of nowhere. Afterall this is what I was? I was always more than happy where their was minimum possibility of being happy. This is what my God Damn blog speaks about : about being happy, about being The Enigmatic Euphoric that I'm, and whats happening to me, Why I'm feeling low? Why am I not being able to find a ray of happiness in the darkness of woes? Why the songs which eased me is sounding like a trainwreck to me? Why I'm not trying to win, which was perphaps the only thing which kept me and my spirits from dying out: the hope to win, the hope to succed, Where is it? Why I want to lie down and hear no more things? Why I'm not expecting any call, any message? Why I just want to go in the darkness and sit alone? Why I'm not thinking about my friends, who are so very important to me? Why I'm not thinking about my future? Why I'm not thinking about my biceps? Why I don't want to sit with my family? Why I'm doing whatever I'm doing? Why am I not happy? Why that smile of mine has left me alone? Why I'm faking myself? Why I'm not for real? Why? But I know this is just a phase and it will pass away, but when? When will I start enjoying? When will I be the Enigmatic Euphoric that I am?

But after today, I won't be faking myself. I'm going to be strong and happy. Now I've to prove things, things to myself, things to others and things to the superpower, if he is there! I guess I'll overcome the sadness pretty soon and will emerge out stronger and better than ever!