What is the first thing you say when you know that your a$$ is either kicked or more than ready to be kicked? Huh? When I’m in such a great I don’t know what to do situation, the only word that hits my empty mind is the word above all words, Fcuk. *I know what the correct spelling of it is. This mistake has been done deliberately to maintain the dignity of the blog. After all the blog belongs to a Saint.* This four lettered word is small enough to fit in anywhere and giant enough to hold any more gigantic expression. No matter what the situation you are in, this four-letter word could always come to your rescue. At least to me, this word comes before any goddamn expression that comes to my mind. ‘Fcuk’ brushes my mind when I am happy. ‘Fcuk’ runs through mind when I am sad. ‘Fcuk’ dashes my mind when I pass through any death-defying situation, it sprints across my mind when I win, when I lose, when the result is a tie, when I am surprised, when I am terrified, when I want to make others cry. This is the word that I use when somebody fools me or when I fool somebody. I use the word ‘Fcuk’ when I achieve something. Basically I can say without ‘Fcuk’ my life is Fcuked up.
Ain't it a shame that you can't say "Fcuk"
Fcuk's just a word
And it's all fcuked up
Like a fcuked up punk
With a fcuked up mouth
We fcuked up me
And fcuked up you
By: Limp Bizkit
I use the word very much and I’m fcuking proud of it, using the fcuked up word, a fcuking hundred times. I use this word when my profile views remains at 181 even after publicizing my blog to every possible area, when my post gets only 1 comment(Fcuk it!)
It's a fucked up world
A fucked up place
Everybody's judged by their fucked up face
Fucked up dreams
Fucked up life
A fucked up kid
With a fucked up knife
By: Limp Bizkit
P.S. : The word also chilled through my spine when Anish and I were being dragged in the culprits list after doing nothing. The word was with me along with the sentence we did not do a thing.
Sunday, February 26, 2006
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
A Walk to Remember
I got down from the bus. For some reason, I did not move at all and let every person of my stop to get down from the bus. Then, I do not know why, I took a different root for my house. This root being in parallel position with my routine way. As I was strolling down the way, through a gap in the road, I saw one girl of my college, walking alone from the bus stop. I sped and caught her at the next section of the road gap, with me, on my routine way now.
She did not pay attention towards me and continued to walk with her head down, for about a good 20 -30 mts. I just walked with her, without getting any notice from her. As soon as she hit reality, she became a bit conscious, as someone was walking with her, without her consent. But as She lifted her head and found me, gave me a happy ‘hi’(She probably was feeling low). I also said ‘hi’. She asked “Aj paidal kaise jaa raha he? Bike nahi laya?” . I just replied “haan, bas aise hi aaj paidal chalne ki ichcha ho rahi thi, isliye”. She smiled and said “Aaj hi nahi lani thi! Pata hai me kitna thak gayi hu aaj? Bike lata to mujhe ghar ke pass tak chhod deta na ! ”. I said “Bike nahi toh kya hua, kya mai tujhe ghar tak nahi chhod sakta? Tu chinta mat kar, dono baat karte karte kaise tere ghar tak pahooch jayenge, pata bhi nahi chalega.”
Then not doing much talking but steadily taking my steps towards her house, we reached at the point where I was supposed to drop her. All this time she was insisting me not to bother about her and just go to my house but I did not say much and continued to accompany her. But at this separating path, I replied to all her questions with a generous “anything for you” gesture. She smiled back. Then she smiled again and asked me one of the most difficult question of my life ”Abhinav, tu mujhe roj yahan tak chhodne aayega na? ”. She stunned me with this question of her’s. After remaining silent for about a minute, looking directly into her eyes, I said NO. I started my walk back to my home without saying anything else, with my mind at unrest, my heart questioning me, my legs not supporting me to walk forward, my head wanting to turn and look at her. I wanted to fight with time and wanted to correct myself with a YES. I did not talk to her after this walk, though I always wanted to. Or did I?
She did not pay attention towards me and continued to walk with her head down, for about a good 20 -30 mts. I just walked with her, without getting any notice from her. As soon as she hit reality, she became a bit conscious, as someone was walking with her, without her consent. But as She lifted her head and found me, gave me a happy ‘hi’(She probably was feeling low). I also said ‘hi’. She asked “Aj paidal kaise jaa raha he? Bike nahi laya?” . I just replied “haan, bas aise hi aaj paidal chalne ki ichcha ho rahi thi, isliye”. She smiled and said “Aaj hi nahi lani thi! Pata hai me kitna thak gayi hu aaj? Bike lata to mujhe ghar ke pass tak chhod deta na ! ”. I said “Bike nahi toh kya hua, kya mai tujhe ghar tak nahi chhod sakta? Tu chinta mat kar, dono baat karte karte kaise tere ghar tak pahooch jayenge, pata bhi nahi chalega.”
Then not doing much talking but steadily taking my steps towards her house, we reached at the point where I was supposed to drop her. All this time she was insisting me not to bother about her and just go to my house but I did not say much and continued to accompany her. But at this separating path, I replied to all her questions with a generous “anything for you” gesture. She smiled back. Then she smiled again and asked me one of the most difficult question of my life ”Abhinav, tu mujhe roj yahan tak chhodne aayega na? ”. She stunned me with this question of her’s. After remaining silent for about a minute, looking directly into her eyes, I said NO. I started my walk back to my home without saying anything else, with my mind at unrest, my heart questioning me, my legs not supporting me to walk forward, my head wanting to turn and look at her. I wanted to fight with time and wanted to correct myself with a YES. I did not talk to her after this walk, though I always wanted to. Or did I?
Friday, February 17, 2006
Stuck in sands of time
Sometimes in life, you cannot perform! It happens with almost all of us for one time atleast. Well, I’m no different. This time the failure hit me in the form of Examination result. Though I cleared all the subjects but I did not perform well. No, I did not perform! Well not every day is your day. This result was a consequence of a bad effort put in by me, plus a number of things that I do not understand, happened!
If I were writing this post few months back, probably I’d have tried to hide the bad performance, under the cover of sad demise of my maternal Grandfather or have overshadowed the same under the name of a severe infection that kept me sneezing for hours, relentlessly, in addition to great deal of problems that I faced in writing the exam because of the infection. But I did not. This time I wanted the blame of 62.4% to be put entirely on me, not any good enough reason. So, here am I, confessing it to you all that, this devilishly bad result is all because of my poor effort. I waited this long before I posted this post because I wanted a positive step towards the betterment, which I took few days back, when I started studying again.
I’m fighting with time again, this time I want it to be very swift and fast so that I can just run to that time when my IV semester results are out and I, again be a mid 70’s percent student, a happy mid 70 percent student. But till then I’m just stuck in the sands of time, which is making my each and every moment seem like a hell of a year, making it difficult for me to breathe in air of early 60 percent scheme. But as I always say, its not a bad time, its just a bad phase which is gonna pass away, all you have to do is wait. But as for now, this is the only thing that I can do, along with studying.
If I were writing this post few months back, probably I’d have tried to hide the bad performance, under the cover of sad demise of my maternal Grandfather or have overshadowed the same under the name of a severe infection that kept me sneezing for hours, relentlessly, in addition to great deal of problems that I faced in writing the exam because of the infection. But I did not. This time I wanted the blame of 62.4% to be put entirely on me, not any good enough reason. So, here am I, confessing it to you all that, this devilishly bad result is all because of my poor effort. I waited this long before I posted this post because I wanted a positive step towards the betterment, which I took few days back, when I started studying again.
I’m fighting with time again, this time I want it to be very swift and fast so that I can just run to that time when my IV semester results are out and I, again be a mid 70’s percent student, a happy mid 70 percent student. But till then I’m just stuck in the sands of time, which is making my each and every moment seem like a hell of a year, making it difficult for me to breathe in air of early 60 percent scheme. But as I always say, its not a bad time, its just a bad phase which is gonna pass away, all you have to do is wait. But as for now, this is the only thing that I can do, along with studying.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Mixed Bag
6 Feb. 2006,
Monday,
6:44 a.m.
6:44 a.m.
"Shit!, I'm late again"
"Damn it! 'Again' "
"I'm running short of time! "
"Should I take bath? "
"Ya, I've to! I never go to college without taking a bath"
"But I'm already half an hour off schedule."
Another 'busy' day of my life starts with a little and precise conversation with myself. The adjective Busy surely doesn't mean that my life is boring. So, I reframe my sentence: Another busy, yet intresting, day of my life starts. Today, I being, a little late though!
I hastliy did all the necessary rituals that made me eligible to be called as "Ready for college" student. I was happy that I broke my old Fast bathing record by full 10 seconds(I don't feel like mentioning the 'record' time but the catch is I'm a champ). I quickly gulped in a glass of milk and rushed with my bike keys down the apartment. I nearly fell off the stairs in haste but I managed somehow. As I was speeding to the bus stop, I saw one girl in the middle of the road, waving me to stop and give her a lift (I later recognized her as a girl who studies in my college) So I applied the disc brakes and tried hard not to give her a lift on my bike's headmask. To my ease, by this time, she was on the roadside, So I gave her a lift. When we reached the bus stop, the bus wasn't there. This means, now I had to catch a monster of thousands of cc's, also called as college bus, on my aristocratic, royal 100cc bike. (This line is for those readers who are very well acquainted with the technicalities of my superbike).
I started my journey bouncing and bumping each and every rough thing that came my way, on the road( This was a reward for the girl sitting behind me as she did the sin of taking a lift from me). Finally, I caught the bus few stops later! I made the terrified girl sit in the bus and asked the bus driver to wait for me at the next stop, so I could park my bike at safe place, safe place being Anish's apartment. So, I again picked up the speed, this time the monster following me! As I was about to manoeuvre my bike in Anish's apartment's parking lot. My sixth sense told me to stop at once! So I did! But poor enough for me, the person manoeuvering his bicycle did not get the call!
BANG!!! the a****** hit me!
When I came back to senses, I started scanning the a******
Primary scanning:
1. Green pant,
2. Red sweater,
3. Specs,
Result: A****** not indentified!
Secondary scanning:
1. Curly hair,
2. Wheatish complexion,
3. A confused face,
Result: A****** identified as a 14 - 15 yr. old boy!
Final scanning:
1. A mallu smile,
2. A boy, calling me 'bhaiya'!
Result: A****** identified as Appu(Anish's li'l bro)
Pat!! I slapped the boy!
He did not say a word!
As I was already late for the college, I parked my bike nearby. Then, as I was running towards the bus, I saw blood coming out from my Middle Finger. It was badly bruised, but I continued running towards the bus, feeling as if great SRK is running, giving a take for some Yashraj film!
The college part of that day was similar: Busy! , but here the adjective busy surely means the day was Boring!.
When I was about to go home at 3 p.m., I missed the bus in another long story, which I don't feel like writing.
The evening, as usual, was great, with me spending time with Baddies, hanging out! In the night, when I came back home, Papa was furious. According to him, I'm slipping out of hands, going out of control. Well I won't comment anything on this, but this, obviously made me feel down. But then I have this great power of boosting up my mood! So, I did it!
All in all, the day was full of surprises and was a mixed bag. Wasn't it?
Monday,
6:44 a.m.
6:44 a.m.
"Shit!, I'm late again"
"Damn it! 'Again' "
"I'm running short of time! "
"Should I take bath? "
"Ya, I've to! I never go to college without taking a bath"
"But I'm already half an hour off schedule."
Another 'busy' day of my life starts with a little and precise conversation with myself. The adjective Busy surely doesn't mean that my life is boring. So, I reframe my sentence: Another busy, yet intresting, day of my life starts. Today, I being, a little late though!
I hastliy did all the necessary rituals that made me eligible to be called as "Ready for college" student. I was happy that I broke my old Fast bathing record by full 10 seconds(I don't feel like mentioning the 'record' time but the catch is I'm a champ). I quickly gulped in a glass of milk and rushed with my bike keys down the apartment. I nearly fell off the stairs in haste but I managed somehow. As I was speeding to the bus stop, I saw one girl in the middle of the road, waving me to stop and give her a lift (I later recognized her as a girl who studies in my college) So I applied the disc brakes and tried hard not to give her a lift on my bike's headmask. To my ease, by this time, she was on the roadside, So I gave her a lift. When we reached the bus stop, the bus wasn't there. This means, now I had to catch a monster of thousands of cc's, also called as college bus, on my aristocratic, royal 100cc bike. (This line is for those readers who are very well acquainted with the technicalities of my superbike).
I started my journey bouncing and bumping each and every rough thing that came my way, on the road( This was a reward for the girl sitting behind me as she did the sin of taking a lift from me). Finally, I caught the bus few stops later! I made the terrified girl sit in the bus and asked the bus driver to wait for me at the next stop, so I could park my bike at safe place, safe place being Anish's apartment. So, I again picked up the speed, this time the monster following me! As I was about to manoeuvre my bike in Anish's apartment's parking lot. My sixth sense told me to stop at once! So I did! But poor enough for me, the person manoeuvering his bicycle did not get the call!
BANG!!! the a****** hit me!
When I came back to senses, I started scanning the a******
Primary scanning:
1. Green pant,
2. Red sweater,
3. Specs,
Result: A****** not indentified!
Secondary scanning:
1. Curly hair,
2. Wheatish complexion,
3. A confused face,
Result: A****** identified as a 14 - 15 yr. old boy!
Final scanning:
1. A mallu smile,
2. A boy, calling me 'bhaiya'!
Result: A****** identified as Appu(Anish's li'l bro)
Pat!! I slapped the boy!
He did not say a word!
As I was already late for the college, I parked my bike nearby. Then, as I was running towards the bus, I saw blood coming out from my Middle Finger. It was badly bruised, but I continued running towards the bus, feeling as if great SRK is running, giving a take for some Yashraj film!
The college part of that day was similar: Busy! , but here the adjective busy surely means the day was Boring!.
When I was about to go home at 3 p.m., I missed the bus in another long story, which I don't feel like writing.
The evening, as usual, was great, with me spending time with Baddies, hanging out! In the night, when I came back home, Papa was furious. According to him, I'm slipping out of hands, going out of control. Well I won't comment anything on this, but this, obviously made me feel down. But then I have this great power of boosting up my mood! So, I did it!
All in all, the day was full of surprises and was a mixed bag. Wasn't it?
Thursday, February 02, 2006
Am I for real?
Last evening, when we were roaming on our usual "Kahin chalte hain na yaar!" mood, this time the place being Treasure Island. A thought just ran across my mind which, for sure, has caught me in a stream of a long thinking session, which started the moment the thought hit me and I don't know when its gonna end: "Am I for real? ".
Right from the day I started losing, though I always play to win, I consolidated myself giving a fake reason for not winning, sometimes the reason being a bad day at the performance time, sometimes it being the fault of Mr. 'X', sometimes the losing being shadowed by some other genuine reason. And take my word, these reasons were so fabulous that it never made me guilty of what I lost. Whatsoever I lost, I was the only person correct in the whole scenario and all other being wrong, being responsible for what I lost. But yesterday it just hit my nerves. "Whom am I faking - the People or Me?"
I faked myself with a reason when I did not win the House captain's election. I faked myself with a reason when I did not get a good rank in competetive exam I faked myself whenever I gave an Oscar winning performance to my teachers when I did not do the assignments, yet getting an 'A' grade or so. I faked myself with a reason for not getting selected in the clloege team. I faked myself with a reason many a times.
Before the thought hit me, I did not wanted any reason to be happy, I was happy when I did not win the House captain's election saying " It's so very Jhanjhat wala kaam! It's good that I did not win or else I would have missed out on the fun part of my school life". I was happy when I did not get a good rank in competetive exams saying "Achcha hai! Ghar par hi rehkar padh lunga, isse achcha aur kya ho sakta tha?". I was happy whenever I gave my teachers an Oscar winning performance saying "Maza aa gaya, Saala na padhna pada aur na hi mehnat karni padi to get an 'A' grade". I was happy when I did not get selected in my college team saying "Chalo bach gaye, nahi to saala Saturday aur Sunday ko bhi 25 Km. jana padta aur apni ghisni padti."
I was so very good in squeezing out happiness out of nowhere. Afterall this is what I was? I was always more than happy where their was minimum possibility of being happy. This is what my God Damn blog speaks about : about being happy, about being The Enigmatic Euphoric that I'm, and whats happening to me, Why I'm feeling low? Why am I not being able to find a ray of happiness in the darkness of woes? Why the songs which eased me is sounding like a trainwreck to me? Why I'm not trying to win, which was perphaps the only thing which kept me and my spirits from dying out: the hope to win, the hope to succed, Where is it? Why I want to lie down and hear no more things? Why I'm not expecting any call, any message? Why I just want to go in the darkness and sit alone? Why I'm not thinking about my friends, who are so very important to me? Why I'm not thinking about my future? Why I'm not thinking about my biceps? Why I don't want to sit with my family? Why I'm doing whatever I'm doing? Why am I not happy? Why that smile of mine has left me alone? Why I'm faking myself? Why I'm not for real? Why? But I know this is just a phase and it will pass away, but when? When will I start enjoying? When will I be the Enigmatic Euphoric that I am?
But after today, I won't be faking myself. I'm going to be strong and happy. Now I've to prove things, things to myself, things to others and things to the superpower, if he is there! I guess I'll overcome the sadness pretty soon and will emerge out stronger and better than ever!
Right from the day I started losing, though I always play to win, I consolidated myself giving a fake reason for not winning, sometimes the reason being a bad day at the performance time, sometimes it being the fault of Mr. 'X', sometimes the losing being shadowed by some other genuine reason. And take my word, these reasons were so fabulous that it never made me guilty of what I lost. Whatsoever I lost, I was the only person correct in the whole scenario and all other being wrong, being responsible for what I lost. But yesterday it just hit my nerves. "Whom am I faking - the People or Me?"
I faked myself with a reason when I did not win the House captain's election. I faked myself with a reason when I did not get a good rank in competetive exam I faked myself whenever I gave an Oscar winning performance to my teachers when I did not do the assignments, yet getting an 'A' grade or so. I faked myself with a reason for not getting selected in the clloege team. I faked myself with a reason many a times.
Before the thought hit me, I did not wanted any reason to be happy, I was happy when I did not win the House captain's election saying " It's so very Jhanjhat wala kaam! It's good that I did not win or else I would have missed out on the fun part of my school life". I was happy when I did not get a good rank in competetive exams saying "Achcha hai! Ghar par hi rehkar padh lunga, isse achcha aur kya ho sakta tha?". I was happy whenever I gave my teachers an Oscar winning performance saying "Maza aa gaya, Saala na padhna pada aur na hi mehnat karni padi to get an 'A' grade". I was happy when I did not get selected in my college team saying "Chalo bach gaye, nahi to saala Saturday aur Sunday ko bhi 25 Km. jana padta aur apni ghisni padti."
I was so very good in squeezing out happiness out of nowhere. Afterall this is what I was? I was always more than happy where their was minimum possibility of being happy. This is what my God Damn blog speaks about : about being happy, about being The Enigmatic Euphoric that I'm, and whats happening to me, Why I'm feeling low? Why am I not being able to find a ray of happiness in the darkness of woes? Why the songs which eased me is sounding like a trainwreck to me? Why I'm not trying to win, which was perphaps the only thing which kept me and my spirits from dying out: the hope to win, the hope to succed, Where is it? Why I want to lie down and hear no more things? Why I'm not expecting any call, any message? Why I just want to go in the darkness and sit alone? Why I'm not thinking about my friends, who are so very important to me? Why I'm not thinking about my future? Why I'm not thinking about my biceps? Why I don't want to sit with my family? Why I'm doing whatever I'm doing? Why am I not happy? Why that smile of mine has left me alone? Why I'm faking myself? Why I'm not for real? Why? But I know this is just a phase and it will pass away, but when? When will I start enjoying? When will I be the Enigmatic Euphoric that I am?
But after today, I won't be faking myself. I'm going to be strong and happy. Now I've to prove things, things to myself, things to others and things to the superpower, if he is there! I guess I'll overcome the sadness pretty soon and will emerge out stronger and better than ever!
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